I’m feeling bad because I haven’t written in my blog for ages. The last thing I wanted was for it to fizzle out because I didn’t know what to write, but I realise the reason I didn’t know what to write was because of how I was feeling. Not because I was suddenly devoid of all imagination and creativity. I’m not ever so sure what happened, but I’ve had a week of feeling really sad and horrible and I have to admit I’ve done a bit of wallowing in self-pity. I don’t think it’s a very nice quality and I feel a bit guilty when I do it, but I think it has a purpose – provided it’s short term. I’d got into one of those episodes where I haven’t believed that anyone really understands what I need, understands what I’m finding difficult, or even caring very much about me. To make this worse I radiate the resentment – I’m sure under the right light you would actually see it shimmering aggressively around me! So obviously I’m not very nice to be around, I’m over sensitive and people treat me differently or avoid me, thus reinforcing all of my negative feelings.
I understand now that I was feeling this way for several reasons, hormones, tiredness, end of month finances, underlying worries that I hadn’t acknowledged, my weight loss going a bit awry, and a soaking up of the end of term stress and exhaustion that the students I support are sharing with me in sessions. It all has played a part and cumulatively left me feeling a bit shitty. Don’t you ever have those times when you just want everything to stop for a moment, so you can take a breath, and have a proper rest? It doesn’t ever happen though and you need to find the respite some other way.
I guess the way I deal with these episodes is to firstly acknowledge that I’m having one, then I need to understand why it might be happening and then I can decide what to do about it. When I’m really low I get desperate for change. I almost want everything to change because I feel unhappy and I want to feel different so badly. I don’t always need circumstances to change, just my way of thinking. This is the point where I make decisions – do I need to take action, or just let things go for a bit, trusting that I will feel better again soon. I know on this occasion it won’t be long before term ends and my time won’t be quite so stretched, I’ve got some training to do for my new job which will be exciting and as the weather improves I’m sure it will all look brighter. So my plan for now is to do nothing drastic, try and look after myself a little better, try and keep things in perspective and try and make time for some fun things. I haven’t felt much like a fun mum this last week, just a moany mum 😦
Another strategy I’m employing while this passes is to take on a project. I find this is the very best way for me to alter how I feel. Something to get my teeth stuck in to. Hum drum routine, lack of excitement and boredom are my enemy. I don’t think I know how to be content. Fortunately it is my daughter’s 6th birthday in just over a month’s time, so I’m throwing myself into party planning! She is desperate to have a garden party so I am Googling gazebos, chair hire, banners, colour themes, cake ideas, all sorts. Now obviously it will all be massively scaled down, but for now I’m pretending that money is no object and I’m getting all the inspiration I can, and I’ll probably end up making my own home-made versions of everything. The main thing is that she has a great time with her friends, her face when she sees the garden is all set up, and creating magical memories that she can look back on fondly when she’s all grown up. A nice happy project to focus on.
So that’s where I’m at today. Apologies again for the huge gap between posts, but I’m not going to beat myself up about it. Sometimes how much you can do does depend on how you are feeling, and thank goodness, I’m beginning to feel a bit better.